The Biggest Douchebag Ever

'Ello, you lucky people!

So, today was a pretty normal, if not entirely boring day. That is, until I saw the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!! Listen to these shenanigans.

I was scheduled to close today which means I got to leave at 6. The parking garage in which I park is very narrow and each floor has but one entrance/exit. I get to my car on the second floor and see that in between my car (the newly resurrected Nova) and the ramp going down to the street sits a relatively small, yellow tow truck. The driver of said vehicle was this big fat fuck in coveralls literally breaking into an SUV using one of those lock-picking devices. I get into my car and begin to warm it up. There is no way for me or any car to get passed this truck.

I'm paying very close attention to this guy and his truck because I really want to go home. I see a young woman talking to him, clearly the owner of the automobile. I can't hear what they're talking about, but I assume her car won't start or something, a tragedy I am all too familiar with. She goes back down to whatever establishment she hailed and the dude kept working on the car. At this point, a woman in her car has pulled out and is sitting right in front of where the truck is. So, I pull out as well, thinking he'll have to move out of the way momentarily to let us pass. But, let me remind you who this guy is: The BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!!

He just goes about his business, despite two running cars staring him down. Finally, the woman ahead of me rolls her window down and says, "Could you move please?" To which fat-fuck replies, "I'll move when I'm done." What the hell? He hadn't even hooked up the car to the tow yet. He easily could have pulled forward into a parking space so we could get out then backed up and gone about his business. But no. So finally this guy breaks into the girl's car and her alarm goes off. This is when it hits me: why would he need to break into her car if she was right there? Did she lock her keys in her car? Also something I know all too well. Is he done when he gets into the car? Oh, of course not. The then proceeds to start hooking it up to tow.

Did I mention this guy was really fat? Lets just say, dude wasn't fast while doing his job. The lady ahead of me is getting impatient, as am I. She honks once. Fatty does nothing but continue his, to my mind, unnecessary task. All the while, the fucking alarm has been going off. So not only am I tired of waiting, the constant wooting is giving me a headache. His truck has his company's phone number on it. I imagine myself calling it in the off-chance he'd be the one to pick up so I could say "MOVE YOUR TRUCK, ASS!" But, I chickened out. Would have been awesome. At any rate, he finally gets the SUV up into the towing position, a full 17 minutes since I got to my car. I timed it.

In case you forgot, this guy is the BIGGEST DOUCHBAG EVER! The girl finally comes back into the garage and flicks off her alarm. I know it was cold and snowy, but I swear I heard birds singing. That, or it was my hears never being able to hear those frequencies again. Girl has a brief convo with the guy, at which point he gets into the truck and starts to drive off. Then I hear the girl yell, panicky, "Wait? Are you gonna take my car?!?"

Apparently, this girl had parked where she shouldn't have and someone got pissed. But she was right there. Surely he didn't need to tow her. She easily could have moved it. Dude starts driving off. The girl takes off running after him and makes him stop. Now at this point, I can't hear what happens, but I see this girl, tears streaming down her face, apparently pleading with this prick not to tow her car. Then I see her take her wallet out of her purse and open it.

Here's what I think happened: either he asked for money to not tow the car, or she offered him money not to tow the car, but either way, he took it and promptly got out of his truck and began unhooking the Jeep SUV from the back of his truck. Another few minutes go by (I stopped timing, I lost interest) and he finally gets the Jeep down and simply, unceremoniously, douchily, drives off. The poor girl, who despite her crime really was victimized I felt, started her vehicle and pulled into a spot, allowing my fellow prisoner and myself to finally get going home. Or wherever the fuck the woman was going. She could have been going to kill five babies, I didn't know. For that excruciating nearly-30 minute ordeal, we were best friends.

And just to piss us off further, fatty drove ridiculously slow all the way down to the street. Thus solidifying his status as the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!!!! I swear, it's a good thing I don't own a gun.

Talk at you later and keep circulating the tapes