Mislabled Interval and Impatient Wankers

'Ello, you lucky people!

Rush hour sucks. Driving with other people on the road sucks in general, but when there's a slew of hungry, tired, over-worked fuck tards traversing the interstates with you, it's nigh unmanagable. "Rush hour" really is an ironic misnomer. First of all, people seem to go 15 percent slower, yet slam on their brakes 27 percent more during this time of the day. Second, it lasts WAY longer than an hour. There's just way too many people driving places at the same time. It used to take me about 20 minutes to get back to the apartment from my job downtown but that was when I was leaving work at 8:30 in the eve. Working 9-5 may in fact be the way to make a living as Dolly "G-Cup" Parton suggests, but it sure ain't the way to stay sane on the roads.

There is a specific issue that I feel needs to be addressed when it comes to people on the road. When we were kids in line for something and someone tried to get in front of you, it was called butting (or cutting, but I preferred the former). No one wanted this to happen to them and usually it resulted in you A) quashing the butt yourself, or 2) getting a teacher to do it for you. As adults, if someone did that to us, we'd certainly have words and possibly fists thrown their direction. I, myself, still try to find the nearest teacher and report them, which is much harder to do in line for an Incubus concert than it was waiting for recess. Butting/Cutting is no socially acceptable. Why, then, is it okay for people in cars to do it?

Not a day goes by where some fucker doesn't attempt to get in front of me on the road, despite there being very few people behind me. People are far too impatient. I understand if someone is going really fucking slow, I mean that's just asking for it. But I don't. I drive fast, and still these dick beans find it necessary to get in front of me even though the car ahead of me is less than twenty feet away. That space I leave in front of my car is NOT for someone to get in, it's so I can safely stop if I need to. Tailgating? Yeah, that's a good way to wreck the front end of your car AND pay hefty insurance premiums, stupid.

Even more irritating is when a line of cars is nearly deadlocked and some brown eye gets in another lane, speeds up, and then gets back in the line, a huge way up from where they were. Excuse the fuck out of me, I didn't realize the crown head of Sheba was taking the I-70 interchange today. Surely you should be ahead of the rest of us who wait patiently as there's nowhere really to go. Go ahead, Your bleeding Highness. And yet there's no recourse for people who are victims of automotive butting. You can't make them get back, unless you start a "Death Race 2000" with them, and honking usually just makes everyone around you think they're the target of said honk, making the rest of your voyage that much more tense.

So, I am proposing that we as good drivers (and you know who you're not) band together to stop this new form of highway robbery. If someone tries to butt in front of you, flip them off and speed up so they can't get in. Yeah, it might be dangerous, but eventually these cock biters need to learn to take their fucking turns. Why do you deserve to get to your destination approximately 3 minutes before I get to mine? You're not better than anyone. Just queue up like everyone else.

Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.