'Ello, you lucky people!
People are always making lists of the best whatevers. I think the term "best" is misleading. Under whose authority is something better than something else? I, being a film guy, read a lot about films and the "greatest" films of all time. Every entertainment mag worth their weight has a "Best of Blahty-Blah" list every couple months. The IMDb has a "Top 250" list, which is the movies that get the highest number of high scores according to their users.
http://us.imdb.com/chart/top
The American Film Institute has its own list of 100 films of the first 100 years of film
http://www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/movies.aspx
I think both of these lists are problematic. These are all opinions whether they're internet geeks or top critics. I've decided, as a response, to compose a list of my 50 favorite films. These films are important to me in one way or another. I based my list on three basic criteria:
1) Re-watchability I've seen some films that I love that I will never watch again. Favorites must be viewed multiple times. Have you seen a movie a hundred times? Might it be your favorite?
2) Quotability If you've seen a movie a hundred times, you're gonna be able to quote lines at will and ad-nauseum
3) Bad-Assitude It could be one scene or it could be one tiny scene, but, for me, a movie has to impress me to be in my list. You can easily tell if this one is happening to you if you think or say "Awwww shit!" while chuckling.
Not all of these movies are considered "great" films in the annuls of film history, but they are important to me in my life or (hypothetical) career in film. Hopefully they will give you some insight into my warped mind. NOTE: The IMDb #1 film is The Godfather and AFI's #1 is Citizen Kane. Both are fantastic films and neither are on my list.
1) The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly (1966) dir. Sergio Leone
2) Clerks (1994) dir. Kevin Smith
3) Pulp Fiction (1994) dir. Quentin Tarantino
4) Shaun of the Dead (2004) dir. Edgar Wright
5) Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964) dir. Stanley Kubrick
6) The Third Man (1949) dir. Carol Reed
7) Star Wars (1977) dir. George Lucas
8) Jaws (1975) dir. Steven Spielberg
9) Dawn of the Dead (1978) dir. George A. Romero
10) The Wild Bunch (1969) dir. Sam Peckinpah
11) Reservoir Dogs (1992) dir. Quentin Tarantino
12) Die Hard (1988) dir. John McTiernan
13) The Graduate (1967) dir. Mike Nichols
14) Evil Dead 2 (1987) dir. Sam Raimi
15) Fargo (1996) dir. Joel Coen
16) Goodfellas (1990) dir. Martin Scorsese
17) The Thing (1982) dir. John Carpenter
18) From Russia With Love (1963) dir. Terrence Young
19) Memento (2000) dir. Christopher Nolan
20) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) dir. Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones
21) Strangers on a Train (1951) dir. Alfred Hitchcock
22) The Shining (1980) dir. Stanley Kubrick
23) Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) dir. Steven Spielberg
24) Once Upon a Time in the West (1969) dir. Sergio Leone
25) Snatch. (2000) dir. Guy Ritchie
26) Halloween (1978) dir. John Carpenter
27) Se7en (1995) dir. David Fincher
28) Planet of the Apes (1968) dir. Franklin J. Schaffner
29) Sin City (2005) dir. Frank Miller & Robert Rodriguez, guest dir. Quentin Tarantino
30) Back to the Future (1985) dir. Robert Zemeckis
31) Chasing Amy (1997) dir. Kevin Smith
32) Double Indemnity (1944) dir. Billy Wilder
33) Leon (1994) dir. Luc Besson
34) The Departed (2006) dir. Martin Scorsese
35) The Getaway (1972) dir. Sam Peckinpah
36) Blade Runner (1982) dir. Ridley Scott
37) Alien (1979) dir. Ridley Scott
38) The Big Lebowski (1998) dir. Joel Coen
39) The Searchers (1956) dir. John Ford
40) Night of the Living Dead (1968) dir. George A. Romero
41) Fight Club (1999) dir. David Fincher
42) The Magnificent Seven (1960) dir. John Sturges
43) The Usual Suspects (1995) dir. Bryan Singer
44) For a Few Dollars More (1965) dir. Sergio Leone
45) A Clockwork Orange (1971) dir. Stanley Kubrick
46) American Psycho (2000) dir. Mary Harron
47) Goldfinger (1964) dir. Guy Hamilton
48) Life of Brian (1979) dir. Terry Jones
49) Dogma (1998) dir. Kevin Smith
50) Grindhouse (2007) dir. Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino, guest dir. Rob Zombie, Edgar Wright, & Eli Roth
I have multiple movies on the list from certain directors. Well guess what: I have favorite directors also.
So, movie lovers, if you haven't seen any of these movies, why not give them a chance. Your old pal, Kander wouldn't steer you wrong. And feel free to weigh in with your opinions. Tell me I'm a dumb ass, see if I care.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Kanderson Out
'Ello, you lucky people!
The decision to flee came suddenly. The notion had been in my head since I moved to Denver from Greeley nearly a year ago. At that time, I thought I'd be living with my mother through the summer and move in the fall. However my funds were sorely lacking due to hospital bills and a low-paying part-time job at the Ballet. Then I thought, maybe after the new year. I'd make a lot of money working during Nutcracker (the busiest time at any ballet company) and could easily move after. But, around the beginning of October, I was offered a promotion to Secondary Box Office Manager which came with a pay raise as long as I remained with the Ballet until the season was over. Spring time?
It just seemed like everything in the world was trying to keep me in Colorado. Seemingly indefinitely. I even started thinking about staying at the Ballet for another while until my mom's lease is up in July. Conditions weren't perfect. I wanted to get more scripts finished, save a little more money, sell the Nova, visit L.A. once or twice, find a place, THEN move out. Well, nothing's ever going to be perfect. People would often ask me when I was leaving and my answer would invariably fall somewhere between "Beginning of May" and "Summer sometime." The real answer was, "I'm too afraid and probably won't ever." Then, as with most things, I got a little help from my friends.
My good friend Mike moved to L.A. in October. My good friend Joey moved to L.A. just a few weeks ago. My good friend Ryan moved a week or so after Joey. And let's not forget all the friends who'd already moved out there. Even friends not going to L.A. are already in or bound for somewhere else. At the Oscar party I attended two Sundays back, my good friend Kurt mentioned that he needed to go to L.A. for the acting showcase sometime in May and if I wanted, he would ride out with me and help me move, then he wouldn't have to buy two plane tickets. A good idea, but nothing definite. A good paycheck and decent tax refunds finally replenished my savings, so maybe this wouldn't be out of the question.
Which brings us to today. Joey and Ryan are both working as extras in The City of Angels. Last week, Joey was on "Two and a Half Men" and had a small conversation with Charlie Sheen and this morning Ryan told me he did a day on "My Name Is Earl" and had a pretty long talk with Jason Lee. Two good friends rubbing elbows with celebrities. And where was I? In the fucking ballet ticket office embossing vouchers by hand. That means I was pressing the CB logo onto every hundreds of sheets of paper by hand. If I wasn't already tired of my place in life, I surely was this morning. Then I received another text message. This one from the aforementioned Kurt Larson. "So I have to be in L.A. May 5th. Think that'll work?"
The decision to flee came suddenly. That was it. It was suddenly clear. I had a goal, I had a destination, now I had a date. At 12:20 PM, a half-eaten roast beef sandwich in my right fist and my cell phone in my left, I had a moment of clarity. This waiting around does nothing. I'm never going to be 100% prepared, so let me boil it down to the bare essentials. I need a job, I need a place to live, and I need a way to get there. Everything else will fall into place. May 1st, I will be on my way to being a Californian.
So, to you, Oh my brothers, I wish you well. I thank you all for being supportive of me and my dreams. If anyone has anything they want to say to me in person, I suggest doing it in the next two months. Let me just tell everyone out there who wants more out of life to do it. Just fucking do it. Don't wait for someone or something to hand you a ticket out. I'm scared to death of failing, but failing is a thousand times better than never trying. So, that's it. Look out, Hollywood. Kyle Anderson's coming. Everyone in Colorado, I love you all and know that I'm not leaving YOU. I'm just leaving.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
The decision to flee came suddenly. The notion had been in my head since I moved to Denver from Greeley nearly a year ago. At that time, I thought I'd be living with my mother through the summer and move in the fall. However my funds were sorely lacking due to hospital bills and a low-paying part-time job at the Ballet. Then I thought, maybe after the new year. I'd make a lot of money working during Nutcracker (the busiest time at any ballet company) and could easily move after. But, around the beginning of October, I was offered a promotion to Secondary Box Office Manager which came with a pay raise as long as I remained with the Ballet until the season was over. Spring time?
It just seemed like everything in the world was trying to keep me in Colorado. Seemingly indefinitely. I even started thinking about staying at the Ballet for another while until my mom's lease is up in July. Conditions weren't perfect. I wanted to get more scripts finished, save a little more money, sell the Nova, visit L.A. once or twice, find a place, THEN move out. Well, nothing's ever going to be perfect. People would often ask me when I was leaving and my answer would invariably fall somewhere between "Beginning of May" and "Summer sometime." The real answer was, "I'm too afraid and probably won't ever." Then, as with most things, I got a little help from my friends.
My good friend Mike moved to L.A. in October. My good friend Joey moved to L.A. just a few weeks ago. My good friend Ryan moved a week or so after Joey. And let's not forget all the friends who'd already moved out there. Even friends not going to L.A. are already in or bound for somewhere else. At the Oscar party I attended two Sundays back, my good friend Kurt mentioned that he needed to go to L.A. for the acting showcase sometime in May and if I wanted, he would ride out with me and help me move, then he wouldn't have to buy two plane tickets. A good idea, but nothing definite. A good paycheck and decent tax refunds finally replenished my savings, so maybe this wouldn't be out of the question.
Which brings us to today. Joey and Ryan are both working as extras in The City of Angels. Last week, Joey was on "Two and a Half Men" and had a small conversation with Charlie Sheen and this morning Ryan told me he did a day on "My Name Is Earl" and had a pretty long talk with Jason Lee. Two good friends rubbing elbows with celebrities. And where was I? In the fucking ballet ticket office embossing vouchers by hand. That means I was pressing the CB logo onto every hundreds of sheets of paper by hand. If I wasn't already tired of my place in life, I surely was this morning. Then I received another text message. This one from the aforementioned Kurt Larson. "So I have to be in L.A. May 5th. Think that'll work?"
The decision to flee came suddenly. That was it. It was suddenly clear. I had a goal, I had a destination, now I had a date. At 12:20 PM, a half-eaten roast beef sandwich in my right fist and my cell phone in my left, I had a moment of clarity. This waiting around does nothing. I'm never going to be 100% prepared, so let me boil it down to the bare essentials. I need a job, I need a place to live, and I need a way to get there. Everything else will fall into place. May 1st, I will be on my way to being a Californian.
So, to you, Oh my brothers, I wish you well. I thank you all for being supportive of me and my dreams. If anyone has anything they want to say to me in person, I suggest doing it in the next two months. Let me just tell everyone out there who wants more out of life to do it. Just fucking do it. Don't wait for someone or something to hand you a ticket out. I'm scared to death of failing, but failing is a thousand times better than never trying. So, that's it. Look out, Hollywood. Kyle Anderson's coming. Everyone in Colorado, I love you all and know that I'm not leaving YOU. I'm just leaving.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Biggest Douchebag Ever
'Ello, you lucky people!
So, today was a pretty normal, if not entirely boring day. That is, until I saw the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!! Listen to these shenanigans.
I was scheduled to close today which means I got to leave at 6. The parking garage in which I park is very narrow and each floor has but one entrance/exit. I get to my car on the second floor and see that in between my car (the newly resurrected Nova) and the ramp going down to the street sits a relatively small, yellow tow truck. The driver of said vehicle was this big fat fuck in coveralls literally breaking into an SUV using one of those lock-picking devices. I get into my car and begin to warm it up. There is no way for me or any car to get passed this truck.
I'm paying very close attention to this guy and his truck because I really want to go home. I see a young woman talking to him, clearly the owner of the automobile. I can't hear what they're talking about, but I assume her car won't start or something, a tragedy I am all too familiar with. She goes back down to whatever establishment she hailed and the dude kept working on the car. At this point, a woman in her car has pulled out and is sitting right in front of where the truck is. So, I pull out as well, thinking he'll have to move out of the way momentarily to let us pass. But, let me remind you who this guy is: The BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!!
He just goes about his business, despite two running cars staring him down. Finally, the woman ahead of me rolls her window down and says, "Could you move please?" To which fat-fuck replies, "I'll move when I'm done." What the hell? He hadn't even hooked up the car to the tow yet. He easily could have pulled forward into a parking space so we could get out then backed up and gone about his business. But no. So finally this guy breaks into the girl's car and her alarm goes off. This is when it hits me: why would he need to break into her car if she was right there? Did she lock her keys in her car? Also something I know all too well. Is he done when he gets into the car? Oh, of course not. The then proceeds to start hooking it up to tow.
Did I mention this guy was really fat? Lets just say, dude wasn't fast while doing his job. The lady ahead of me is getting impatient, as am I. She honks once. Fatty does nothing but continue his, to my mind, unnecessary task. All the while, the fucking alarm has been going off. So not only am I tired of waiting, the constant wooting is giving me a headache. His truck has his company's phone number on it. I imagine myself calling it in the off-chance he'd be the one to pick up so I could say "MOVE YOUR TRUCK, ASS!" But, I chickened out. Would have been awesome. At any rate, he finally gets the SUV up into the towing position, a full 17 minutes since I got to my car. I timed it.
In case you forgot, this guy is the BIGGEST DOUCHBAG EVER! The girl finally comes back into the garage and flicks off her alarm. I know it was cold and snowy, but I swear I heard birds singing. That, or it was my hears never being able to hear those frequencies again. Girl has a brief convo with the guy, at which point he gets into the truck and starts to drive off. Then I hear the girl yell, panicky, "Wait? Are you gonna take my car?!?"
Apparently, this girl had parked where she shouldn't have and someone got pissed. But she was right there. Surely he didn't need to tow her. She easily could have moved it. Dude starts driving off. The girl takes off running after him and makes him stop. Now at this point, I can't hear what happens, but I see this girl, tears streaming down her face, apparently pleading with this prick not to tow her car. Then I see her take her wallet out of her purse and open it.
Here's what I think happened: either he asked for money to not tow the car, or she offered him money not to tow the car, but either way, he took it and promptly got out of his truck and began unhooking the Jeep SUV from the back of his truck. Another few minutes go by (I stopped timing, I lost interest) and he finally gets the Jeep down and simply, unceremoniously, douchily, drives off. The poor girl, who despite her crime really was victimized I felt, started her vehicle and pulled into a spot, allowing my fellow prisoner and myself to finally get going home. Or wherever the fuck the woman was going. She could have been going to kill five babies, I didn't know. For that excruciating nearly-30 minute ordeal, we were best friends.
And just to piss us off further, fatty drove ridiculously slow all the way down to the street. Thus solidifying his status as the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!!!! I swear, it's a good thing I don't own a gun.
Talk at you later and keep circulating the tapes
So, today was a pretty normal, if not entirely boring day. That is, until I saw the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!! Listen to these shenanigans.
I was scheduled to close today which means I got to leave at 6. The parking garage in which I park is very narrow and each floor has but one entrance/exit. I get to my car on the second floor and see that in between my car (the newly resurrected Nova) and the ramp going down to the street sits a relatively small, yellow tow truck. The driver of said vehicle was this big fat fuck in coveralls literally breaking into an SUV using one of those lock-picking devices. I get into my car and begin to warm it up. There is no way for me or any car to get passed this truck.
I'm paying very close attention to this guy and his truck because I really want to go home. I see a young woman talking to him, clearly the owner of the automobile. I can't hear what they're talking about, but I assume her car won't start or something, a tragedy I am all too familiar with. She goes back down to whatever establishment she hailed and the dude kept working on the car. At this point, a woman in her car has pulled out and is sitting right in front of where the truck is. So, I pull out as well, thinking he'll have to move out of the way momentarily to let us pass. But, let me remind you who this guy is: The BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!!
He just goes about his business, despite two running cars staring him down. Finally, the woman ahead of me rolls her window down and says, "Could you move please?" To which fat-fuck replies, "I'll move when I'm done." What the hell? He hadn't even hooked up the car to the tow yet. He easily could have pulled forward into a parking space so we could get out then backed up and gone about his business. But no. So finally this guy breaks into the girl's car and her alarm goes off. This is when it hits me: why would he need to break into her car if she was right there? Did she lock her keys in her car? Also something I know all too well. Is he done when he gets into the car? Oh, of course not. The then proceeds to start hooking it up to tow.
Did I mention this guy was really fat? Lets just say, dude wasn't fast while doing his job. The lady ahead of me is getting impatient, as am I. She honks once. Fatty does nothing but continue his, to my mind, unnecessary task. All the while, the fucking alarm has been going off. So not only am I tired of waiting, the constant wooting is giving me a headache. His truck has his company's phone number on it. I imagine myself calling it in the off-chance he'd be the one to pick up so I could say "MOVE YOUR TRUCK, ASS!" But, I chickened out. Would have been awesome. At any rate, he finally gets the SUV up into the towing position, a full 17 minutes since I got to my car. I timed it.
In case you forgot, this guy is the BIGGEST DOUCHBAG EVER! The girl finally comes back into the garage and flicks off her alarm. I know it was cold and snowy, but I swear I heard birds singing. That, or it was my hears never being able to hear those frequencies again. Girl has a brief convo with the guy, at which point he gets into the truck and starts to drive off. Then I hear the girl yell, panicky, "Wait? Are you gonna take my car?!?"
Apparently, this girl had parked where she shouldn't have and someone got pissed. But she was right there. Surely he didn't need to tow her. She easily could have moved it. Dude starts driving off. The girl takes off running after him and makes him stop. Now at this point, I can't hear what happens, but I see this girl, tears streaming down her face, apparently pleading with this prick not to tow her car. Then I see her take her wallet out of her purse and open it.
Here's what I think happened: either he asked for money to not tow the car, or she offered him money not to tow the car, but either way, he took it and promptly got out of his truck and began unhooking the Jeep SUV from the back of his truck. Another few minutes go by (I stopped timing, I lost interest) and he finally gets the Jeep down and simply, unceremoniously, douchily, drives off. The poor girl, who despite her crime really was victimized I felt, started her vehicle and pulled into a spot, allowing my fellow prisoner and myself to finally get going home. Or wherever the fuck the woman was going. She could have been going to kill five babies, I didn't know. For that excruciating nearly-30 minute ordeal, we were best friends.
And just to piss us off further, fatty drove ridiculously slow all the way down to the street. Thus solidifying his status as the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG EVER!!!!! I swear, it's a good thing I don't own a gun.
Talk at you later and keep circulating the tapes
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Oscar Picks From Joe Movie-Lover
'Ello, you lucky people!
While still coming down from the high of seeing the despised New England Patriots get spanked to death at the hands of a much better prepared New Jersey Giants team (they play in Newark lest we forget), I decided to weigh in on this year's Oscars and pick the winners for that as well. Last year I was ecstatic as it was the first time since I cared about such things that the Best Picture award went to movie I wanted to win. The Departed won 4 awards and they were very well deserved. This year is the first year I've ever seen all five nominated films before the Oscars, and more than that, the first year I've wanted to see all of them. Last year I saw 3/5 which tends to be the percentage and I'm okay with that. I didn't see The Queen or Letters From Iwo Jima, and honestly still could give two shits about them. This year, however, all five movies looked good and were good. Now I will give you my impression of all five movies and predictions for this year's awards that will hopefully be televised.
No Country For Old Men
This is my all out favorite of the nominated. This odd, existential, western thriller based on the Cormac McCarthy novel of the same name would have totally worked as a straight forward chase movie if not for the final act where everything falls apart and even the characters don't know why. The Coen's films are all about the end of something, some era in Americana. This film surely depicts the death of the "Old West." The mentality of good triumphing over evil despite the odds is what one would expect from a Western, and surely the expectation is there to the average movie watcher. But the reason this movie is so amazing is watching Tommy Lee Jones' character of Ed Tom Bell as he watches the complete destruction of everything he holds true and decent about the world. Javier Bardem will surely win Best Supporting Actor, there's almost no contest. The Coens should win Best Director(s) and I'd like to see them win Best Adapted Screenplay as well.
Odds of winning Best Picture: 2:1 Everything about this movie is solid. The only thing it has against it is that the Departed won last year.
There Will Be Blood
I'm not going to lie, I am not a fan of Paul Thomas Anderson. I think he's too showy without actually showing anything. "Pretentious" and "lengthy" are the words I would use to describe his previous films. He's basically Quentin Tarantino without the burden of being entertaining. They both say "Look what I can do," but at least QT never tries to make you believe you're watching something other wackiness. All that being said, I was pleasantly surprised with PTA's
most recent outing. Extremely loosely based on the book "Oil!" by Upton Sinclaire, Blood is actually far less about the oil industry than it is about the psyches of scarred men. Daniel Day-Lewis (a shoe-in for best actor) plays Daniel Plainview with equal parts savvy, sadness, and sadism. You watch this successful businessman get continually let down by people in his life and turn right around and let someone down himself. By film's end, you can't decide whether you hated him or just felt sorry for him. Throughout the film, I was impressed both with this acting tour-de-force but also with Anderson's slow, methodical direction and the great cinematography. Also noteworthy is the score by Radiohead guitarist Johnny Greenwood. Bottom line for me is that, while the parts were all fantastic, I wasn't sure where everything was going or why it got to where it ended up.
Best Picture Odds: 5:2 It could be the dark horse and win thanks to its critical reception, but I kinda doubt it.
Atonement
British period dramas are not normally my cup of tea, if you'll excuse the obvious joke. In fact, my eyes begin to roll at the very mention of Jane Austin. How come all over her books were titled "Something & Something That Sounds Similar?" Just me? Not knowing about Atonement before I saw it, other than it was a British period piece, I think aided greatly to my loving it. Based on a novel I'd never heard of by the guy who wrote The Good Son with Macauley Culkin and Elijah Wood, this film starts out as your average rich-people-coming-of-age-and-falling-in-love story but quickly becomes the saddest and most hauntingly beautiful love-loss-and-regret films I've ever seen. I especially liked the depiction of larger themes, such as the dark side of the aftermath of World War II on the exhausted, malnourished British soldiers, while never losing sight of the intimate story of three people torn apart by a single moment. This movie punches you in the gut and, had I the ability, I probably would have cried. There's a 7-minute long tracking shot that alone should garner the film Best Cinematography.
Best Picture Odds: 8:1 Despite how great I think this film is, it totally got robbed in the nominations, which to me means that the Academy doesn't think as highly of it as it might. Joe Wright deserved a Best Director nom as did both James McAvoy and Keira Knightley. It will probably win some technical awards, but not best picture.
Juno
Pithy dialogue and pop-culture references are to me like breathing air or drinking beer. I cannot get enough of either one. This is easily my number two favorite in the race. Juno is a very funny and touching story with no convoluted plots or too much pathos. Everyone's been comparing it to Little Miss Sunshine mostly just because it's a quirky family comedy, but I definitely think Juno has more to offer. It doesn't fall into that all-too-common indie comedy trap of just being dry for the sake of dryness. There's a big difference between being dry and being real and this film's real strength comes from the performances of its great cast. Plus, it's sweet, which none of the other films nominated are. Office worker-turned-stripper-turned-novelist-turned-screenwriter Diablo Cody delivers the most solid and well-written screenplay of any that I've seen this year (I haven't seen all the movies nominated for best screenplay, I admit) but I think it'd be a travesty not to give the new girl the golden bald guy. I realized just now that if Kevin Smith would not be quite as dirty, he'd probably get Oscar nominations too. Leave in all the swear words you want, but leave out the donkey show stuff.
Best Picture Odds: 10:1 As loved as it is, the movie is a comedy and comedies, even dramatic ones, only win Best Picture once in a dog's age. Could this be that age? Perhaps. Though I wouldn't make book on it.
Michael Clayton
Legal thrillers are usually far more legal than thrilling. Hell, any movie made out of a John Grisham book is going to have legalese dripping from the walls. Michael Clayton is not this at all. In fact, there's really only one scene where legal jargon is spewed in any real sense. What the film really is is the study of the lengths people will go to cover something up, and the inner turmoil of basically good people. The film was written and directed by Tony Gilroy, best known perhaps for penning the screenplays to the Bourne films, and marks the writer's directorial debut. Definitely a solid outing, though from a script standpoint, it never seemed like the stakes should have been as high as they ended up being. George Clooney sells it, though. I'll say it right now: I would have George Clooney's babies. I would devote all the money and time it took to making that scientifically possible and carry and birth his children. He can do no wrong. He probably won't win, it's really DDL's year, but he turned in another stellar performance he should be proud of.
Best Picture Odds: 20:1 This is the most straight forward of the nominated films, which I think will hurt it the most. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but proficiency doesn't necessarily make a best picture. It is a critical darling so we can't count it out entirely, but I'd be incredibly surprised if it won.
Some movies I think got robbed were Eastern Promises (despite Viggo's much-deserved acting nod) and Zodiac which was actually by very favorite film of the year, but it was released in February '07 , negating its chances of being nominated for anything.
These predictions are merely what I see happening. Can I get lucky enough to get what I want out of the Superbowl AND the Oscars? Given previous experience, no. But here's one prediction you can take to the bank: Ratatouille will win best animated film. I welcome any and all opinions on this, so comment away.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
While still coming down from the high of seeing the despised New England Patriots get spanked to death at the hands of a much better prepared New Jersey Giants team (they play in Newark lest we forget), I decided to weigh in on this year's Oscars and pick the winners for that as well. Last year I was ecstatic as it was the first time since I cared about such things that the Best Picture award went to movie I wanted to win. The Departed won 4 awards and they were very well deserved. This year is the first year I've ever seen all five nominated films before the Oscars, and more than that, the first year I've wanted to see all of them. Last year I saw 3/5 which tends to be the percentage and I'm okay with that. I didn't see The Queen or Letters From Iwo Jima, and honestly still could give two shits about them. This year, however, all five movies looked good and were good. Now I will give you my impression of all five movies and predictions for this year's awards that will hopefully be televised.
No Country For Old Men
This is my all out favorite of the nominated. This odd, existential, western thriller based on the Cormac McCarthy novel of the same name would have totally worked as a straight forward chase movie if not for the final act where everything falls apart and even the characters don't know why. The Coen's films are all about the end of something, some era in Americana. This film surely depicts the death of the "Old West." The mentality of good triumphing over evil despite the odds is what one would expect from a Western, and surely the expectation is there to the average movie watcher. But the reason this movie is so amazing is watching Tommy Lee Jones' character of Ed Tom Bell as he watches the complete destruction of everything he holds true and decent about the world. Javier Bardem will surely win Best Supporting Actor, there's almost no contest. The Coens should win Best Director(s) and I'd like to see them win Best Adapted Screenplay as well.
Odds of winning Best Picture: 2:1 Everything about this movie is solid. The only thing it has against it is that the Departed won last year.
There Will Be Blood
I'm not going to lie, I am not a fan of Paul Thomas Anderson. I think he's too showy without actually showing anything. "Pretentious" and "lengthy" are the words I would use to describe his previous films. He's basically Quentin Tarantino without the burden of being entertaining. They both say "Look what I can do," but at least QT never tries to make you believe you're watching something other wackiness. All that being said, I was pleasantly surprised with PTA's
most recent outing. Extremely loosely based on the book "Oil!" by Upton Sinclaire, Blood is actually far less about the oil industry than it is about the psyches of scarred men. Daniel Day-Lewis (a shoe-in for best actor) plays Daniel Plainview with equal parts savvy, sadness, and sadism. You watch this successful businessman get continually let down by people in his life and turn right around and let someone down himself. By film's end, you can't decide whether you hated him or just felt sorry for him. Throughout the film, I was impressed both with this acting tour-de-force but also with Anderson's slow, methodical direction and the great cinematography. Also noteworthy is the score by Radiohead guitarist Johnny Greenwood. Bottom line for me is that, while the parts were all fantastic, I wasn't sure where everything was going or why it got to where it ended up.
Best Picture Odds: 5:2 It could be the dark horse and win thanks to its critical reception, but I kinda doubt it.
Atonement
British period dramas are not normally my cup of tea, if you'll excuse the obvious joke. In fact, my eyes begin to roll at the very mention of Jane Austin. How come all over her books were titled "Something & Something That Sounds Similar?" Just me? Not knowing about Atonement before I saw it, other than it was a British period piece, I think aided greatly to my loving it. Based on a novel I'd never heard of by the guy who wrote The Good Son with Macauley Culkin and Elijah Wood, this film starts out as your average rich-people-coming-of-age-and-falling-in-love story but quickly becomes the saddest and most hauntingly beautiful love-loss-and-regret films I've ever seen. I especially liked the depiction of larger themes, such as the dark side of the aftermath of World War II on the exhausted, malnourished British soldiers, while never losing sight of the intimate story of three people torn apart by a single moment. This movie punches you in the gut and, had I the ability, I probably would have cried. There's a 7-minute long tracking shot that alone should garner the film Best Cinematography.
Best Picture Odds: 8:1 Despite how great I think this film is, it totally got robbed in the nominations, which to me means that the Academy doesn't think as highly of it as it might. Joe Wright deserved a Best Director nom as did both James McAvoy and Keira Knightley. It will probably win some technical awards, but not best picture.
Juno
Pithy dialogue and pop-culture references are to me like breathing air or drinking beer. I cannot get enough of either one. This is easily my number two favorite in the race. Juno is a very funny and touching story with no convoluted plots or too much pathos. Everyone's been comparing it to Little Miss Sunshine mostly just because it's a quirky family comedy, but I definitely think Juno has more to offer. It doesn't fall into that all-too-common indie comedy trap of just being dry for the sake of dryness. There's a big difference between being dry and being real and this film's real strength comes from the performances of its great cast. Plus, it's sweet, which none of the other films nominated are. Office worker-turned-stripper-turned-novelist-turned-screenwriter Diablo Cody delivers the most solid and well-written screenplay of any that I've seen this year (I haven't seen all the movies nominated for best screenplay, I admit) but I think it'd be a travesty not to give the new girl the golden bald guy. I realized just now that if Kevin Smith would not be quite as dirty, he'd probably get Oscar nominations too. Leave in all the swear words you want, but leave out the donkey show stuff.
Best Picture Odds: 10:1 As loved as it is, the movie is a comedy and comedies, even dramatic ones, only win Best Picture once in a dog's age. Could this be that age? Perhaps. Though I wouldn't make book on it.
Michael Clayton
Legal thrillers are usually far more legal than thrilling. Hell, any movie made out of a John Grisham book is going to have legalese dripping from the walls. Michael Clayton is not this at all. In fact, there's really only one scene where legal jargon is spewed in any real sense. What the film really is is the study of the lengths people will go to cover something up, and the inner turmoil of basically good people. The film was written and directed by Tony Gilroy, best known perhaps for penning the screenplays to the Bourne films, and marks the writer's directorial debut. Definitely a solid outing, though from a script standpoint, it never seemed like the stakes should have been as high as they ended up being. George Clooney sells it, though. I'll say it right now: I would have George Clooney's babies. I would devote all the money and time it took to making that scientifically possible and carry and birth his children. He can do no wrong. He probably won't win, it's really DDL's year, but he turned in another stellar performance he should be proud of.
Best Picture Odds: 20:1 This is the most straight forward of the nominated films, which I think will hurt it the most. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it, but proficiency doesn't necessarily make a best picture. It is a critical darling so we can't count it out entirely, but I'd be incredibly surprised if it won.
Some movies I think got robbed were Eastern Promises (despite Viggo's much-deserved acting nod) and Zodiac which was actually by very favorite film of the year, but it was released in February '07 , negating its chances of being nominated for anything.
These predictions are merely what I see happening. Can I get lucky enough to get what I want out of the Superbowl AND the Oscars? Given previous experience, no. But here's one prediction you can take to the bank: Ratatouille will win best animated film. I welcome any and all opinions on this, so comment away.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Chuck Norris: Roundhouse Kicks & Cowboy Hats
'Ello, you lucky people!
I'm always on the lookout for movies that look/sound/are fucked up. The more outrageous or ridiculous the plot, the more I want to watch it (Death Bed, anyone?). So, when I heard about my most recent foray into fucked-up cinema, I was justifiably giddy. The tagline reads: "The Master of Martial Arts vs A Bionic Killing Machine." Bruce Lee fights The Terminator? No. Jet Li takes on RoboCop? I wish. Jackie Chan going 12 rounds with Short Circuit's Number Johnny 5? Sadly, this is also not the case. What we get is Chuck Norris battling a poor-man's Michael Myers in Silent Rage, a dumb but surprisingly entertaining B minus movie from 1982. This is gonna be awesome! Freddy vs. Jason? Fuck that, Chuck vs. Michael-Light!
The film is really three movies rolled into one. You get a heaping helping of slasher-type movies (Halloween, Friday the 13th, My Bloody Valentine, etc.) a smidge Re-Animator and finish it off with a healthy dose of whatever the hell crappy action movies Chuck Norris made where he fights people for no reason. I'm not going to lie, I've never in my life watched a Chuck Norris vehicle and if not for the premise of Silent Rage, would continue to be of that persuasion. Silent Rage is without doubt the oddest marriage of film genres I've ever seen since Hostel (teen sex comedy becomes torture porn).
The film begins with John Kirby, the ugliest man alive, goes crazy and kills his land lady and some other random dude with an ax. The police arrive led by cowboy hat adorned Sheriff Dan Stevens, played by none other than our old friend Chuck. The sheriff disarms Kirby and arrests him only for the madman to break loose of his cuffs and kick the door of the police car off its hinges (made of cardboard apparently). Despite Dan's and Kirby's psychiatrist's pleas not to shoot Kirby dead, the other officers shoot Kirby dead. That was a bad movie, at least it was short. Au contraire, mon frer. This Goddamn epic battle's just begun. The psychiatrist takes the body of the ax murderer to the hospital where he and two of his colleagues have fashioned a Frankensteinian laboratory in the boiler room. Turns out, the three of them have developed a serum that can bring once-living organisms back to life. Surely the best person to test it on is the violent psychopath. Experiments ensue.
Meanwhile, Sheriff Dan cannot be bothered with plot. He's too busy killing time before the story catches up to him. He has some flat dialog with his deputy (Flounder from Animal House...no joke) and gets it on with the psychiatrist's sister, who also once was his true love. Or something. Anyway, they bone. He also has to deal with a rogue biker gang who tries to take over the town. Or more accurately, some dive bar off of Route 94. In the most gratuitous scene in the film, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks his way through a bevy of drunks and large-breasted, battle-ax women. I'm sure it was stated in Mr. Norris' contract that he has to get into a huge fight and kick the shit out of at least 15 people by the mid-point in the film. Mission accomplished. After the fight, the Sheriff has sex with the shrink's sister again and convinces her to take a trip somewhere. Everyone's so happy...
Meanwhile, in the lab, the experiments on Frog-Face are going better than expected. He still hasn't regained consciousness, but all his bullet wounds have healed miraculously and, (get this!) when they cut him with scalpels, he heals almost instantly. Fantastic! Well, you can guess what happens after this. The end credits roll. NO! I fooled you again! Kirby gets up and puts on a Michael Myers-esque jumpsuit and heads out to do some damage. He kills the psychiatrist and his wife and is about to kill the sister before Chuck shows up and scares him away. Kirby returns to the hospital to kill his remaining two creators and again goes for the sister. Oh yeah, she's in the hospital too, though for reasons unknown to me. He chases her up and down stairs until it looks like she's sure to die. But then the father of modern ass-kicking enters just in time to shoot him and send him crashing out the 5th story window. I'm not even going to pretend anymore. Dude ain't dead.
This begins what I like to call, "The Cat & Mouse Section." Chuck and the chick, go to inspect the body and of course it wakes up and tries to strangle them again. The sister runs him over with Chuck's Ford Bronco and they drive away. But of course, Kirby clings to the back and crawls through the window. So, they dive out of the car and it goes crashing down a series of small hills until crashing and catching on fire. A fiery Kirby escapes and jumps into a conveniently located small body of water. Finally, the climax which will at last pay off the tagline of Martial Arts Master vs Bionic Killing Machine! Yeah... that consists mostly of Chuck Norris kicking, flipping, and basically knocking Kirby over several times before the final kick sends the fiend tumbling down an incredibly deep well. Chuck and his true love are safe and they walk away triumphantly. The camera pans down the well just in time to see Kirby again rise from a watery grave.
My question: Chuck Norris has just seen this guy get shot, fall out a window, get hit by a car, crash a car, and explode without dying; Did he really think a few kicks were gonna do the trick? Of course. It's Chuck Norris, what was I thinking? I hear there's no postal service, it's just Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking mail to the proper address. So that was my first excursion into the world of Carlos Ray Norris (dude's real name. Not even kidding.) and I was pleasantly not at all surprised at how cheesy and lame it was. It wasn't near as fucked-up as I'd hoped but it was silly enough to keep me watching. Here's the reasons to watch: Chuck Norris (go figure), plenty of early-80s tits, a really ugly bad guy, Chuck Norris. He counts for two.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
I'm always on the lookout for movies that look/sound/are fucked up. The more outrageous or ridiculous the plot, the more I want to watch it (Death Bed, anyone?). So, when I heard about my most recent foray into fucked-up cinema, I was justifiably giddy. The tagline reads: "The Master of Martial Arts vs A Bionic Killing Machine." Bruce Lee fights The Terminator? No. Jet Li takes on RoboCop? I wish. Jackie Chan going 12 rounds with Short Circuit's Number Johnny 5? Sadly, this is also not the case. What we get is Chuck Norris battling a poor-man's Michael Myers in Silent Rage, a dumb but surprisingly entertaining B minus movie from 1982. This is gonna be awesome! Freddy vs. Jason? Fuck that, Chuck vs. Michael-Light!
The film is really three movies rolled into one. You get a heaping helping of slasher-type movies (Halloween, Friday the 13th, My Bloody Valentine, etc.) a smidge Re-Animator and finish it off with a healthy dose of whatever the hell crappy action movies Chuck Norris made where he fights people for no reason. I'm not going to lie, I've never in my life watched a Chuck Norris vehicle and if not for the premise of Silent Rage, would continue to be of that persuasion. Silent Rage is without doubt the oddest marriage of film genres I've ever seen since Hostel (teen sex comedy becomes torture porn).
The film begins with John Kirby, the ugliest man alive, goes crazy and kills his land lady and some other random dude with an ax. The police arrive led by cowboy hat adorned Sheriff Dan Stevens, played by none other than our old friend Chuck. The sheriff disarms Kirby and arrests him only for the madman to break loose of his cuffs and kick the door of the police car off its hinges (made of cardboard apparently). Despite Dan's and Kirby's psychiatrist's pleas not to shoot Kirby dead, the other officers shoot Kirby dead. That was a bad movie, at least it was short. Au contraire, mon frer. This Goddamn epic battle's just begun. The psychiatrist takes the body of the ax murderer to the hospital where he and two of his colleagues have fashioned a Frankensteinian laboratory in the boiler room. Turns out, the three of them have developed a serum that can bring once-living organisms back to life. Surely the best person to test it on is the violent psychopath. Experiments ensue.
Meanwhile, Sheriff Dan cannot be bothered with plot. He's too busy killing time before the story catches up to him. He has some flat dialog with his deputy (Flounder from Animal House...no joke) and gets it on with the psychiatrist's sister, who also once was his true love. Or something. Anyway, they bone. He also has to deal with a rogue biker gang who tries to take over the town. Or more accurately, some dive bar off of Route 94. In the most gratuitous scene in the film, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks his way through a bevy of drunks and large-breasted, battle-ax women. I'm sure it was stated in Mr. Norris' contract that he has to get into a huge fight and kick the shit out of at least 15 people by the mid-point in the film. Mission accomplished. After the fight, the Sheriff has sex with the shrink's sister again and convinces her to take a trip somewhere. Everyone's so happy...
Meanwhile, in the lab, the experiments on Frog-Face are going better than expected. He still hasn't regained consciousness, but all his bullet wounds have healed miraculously and, (get this!) when they cut him with scalpels, he heals almost instantly. Fantastic! Well, you can guess what happens after this. The end credits roll. NO! I fooled you again! Kirby gets up and puts on a Michael Myers-esque jumpsuit and heads out to do some damage. He kills the psychiatrist and his wife and is about to kill the sister before Chuck shows up and scares him away. Kirby returns to the hospital to kill his remaining two creators and again goes for the sister. Oh yeah, she's in the hospital too, though for reasons unknown to me. He chases her up and down stairs until it looks like she's sure to die. But then the father of modern ass-kicking enters just in time to shoot him and send him crashing out the 5th story window. I'm not even going to pretend anymore. Dude ain't dead.
This begins what I like to call, "The Cat & Mouse Section." Chuck and the chick, go to inspect the body and of course it wakes up and tries to strangle them again. The sister runs him over with Chuck's Ford Bronco and they drive away. But of course, Kirby clings to the back and crawls through the window. So, they dive out of the car and it goes crashing down a series of small hills until crashing and catching on fire. A fiery Kirby escapes and jumps into a conveniently located small body of water. Finally, the climax which will at last pay off the tagline of Martial Arts Master vs Bionic Killing Machine! Yeah... that consists mostly of Chuck Norris kicking, flipping, and basically knocking Kirby over several times before the final kick sends the fiend tumbling down an incredibly deep well. Chuck and his true love are safe and they walk away triumphantly. The camera pans down the well just in time to see Kirby again rise from a watery grave.
My question: Chuck Norris has just seen this guy get shot, fall out a window, get hit by a car, crash a car, and explode without dying; Did he really think a few kicks were gonna do the trick? Of course. It's Chuck Norris, what was I thinking? I hear there's no postal service, it's just Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking mail to the proper address. So that was my first excursion into the world of Carlos Ray Norris (dude's real name. Not even kidding.) and I was pleasantly not at all surprised at how cheesy and lame it was. It wasn't near as fucked-up as I'd hoped but it was silly enough to keep me watching. Here's the reasons to watch: Chuck Norris (go figure), plenty of early-80s tits, a really ugly bad guy, Chuck Norris. He counts for two.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Someone is Most Assuredly Legend
'Ello, you lucky people!
So, yeah yeah, I know it's been a long-ass time since my last post. I hadn't been feeling the blog. It happens. But here I am with a few different topics that I could choose to focus upon in this, my return blog. What am I going to do? Talk about all of them! I was way too excited just then.
New Jersey was great. Yes, believe it or not, it's been that long since I blogged last. I had some preconcieved notions about what it would be like and for the most part the negative notions were squashed. I was very impressed with the transit system in NJ. Trains are such a good idea and they work. The conductors (or, let's be honest, ticket takers) wear the little hats, which kinda made me laugh. I kept expecting one of them to blow a whistle and tell me a story about Thomas the Tank Engine. The only complaint I have about NJ Transit is that it's very expensive, or seemed to be. I did only travel to and from the airport and to and from NYC.
That's right, I went to New York City while I was there. How could I not? I'd never been. It was good to go and I enjoyed myself while I was there. That being said, I didn't really see what all the hype was about. Yeah, it's very cool with the big buildings and stuff, but there's too many damn people. I think the only way I'd want to live there is if I had an assload of money and could afford to live in The Dakota or somewhere near there.
I guess I'd rather live in New Jersey if given the choice. Not New Brunswick, which Lincoln and Kristen live. NB is an industrial suburb and is kinda scary when you're walking around. I blame it on being too close to Newark. I just passed through Newark on the train and I think that's all the Newark I'm ever gonna need. No, the bit of NJ where I want to live is the coast. Specifically Red Bank or Atlantic Highlands. So East-coasty and nice. There were huge estates right close to the water. I actually saw scooners. I thought they were just a bedtime story. Red Bank is like Cherry Creek. The one time on my whole trip I felt like I wouldn't get mugged. So, despite what anyone says, I will always say New Jersey is great.
Back to Colorado. Work has been crazy. Really, the only crazy time in a ballet company's season is Nutcracker. I'm a little more than halfway done with the shows, but there are still 9. I'm gonna get some sweet days off from Christmas day to Jan 3 which I'll use to do FUCK ALL, but that means I have to work up to and including Christmas Eve. That's not so great, but when I started the job I was warned that "we work while others play" which made it seem like I'd be working every weekend and have no time to do anything else. Well I am working every weekend, but it's not like I don't have time to do other crap. So, if you want to see me, you should probably come to the Ballet.
Here's a few random-weird thoughts that I've had recently: One is laundry and one is bathroom. I know you're intrigued. Laundry first. I've been doing laundry for a really long time and there's something that's always bugged me about it. How come every shirt you put in the laundry turns inside out before the process is done? This mostly involves button-up shirts but it always seems to happen. I've tried to figure out what causes it. At first I thought it was just the motion of the cycles that causes it, so I tried turning every shirt inside out before I put them in. You know what happened? Nothing. They stayed inside out. It doesn't make any sense. It's like their natural state of being is inside out and we're persecuting the shirts into remaining "outside out" as Todd calls it. One week, the left sleeve on every one of my shirts turned inside out. It's like the bermuda triangle in the tumble dryer or something.
Now the bathroom. This one is a little gross, so bear with me. You're in the bathroom, public or otherwise, and sitting on the toilet doing yuh bih-ness. When you're done you get up, hitch up your pants and go wash your hands. Or at least you should. But have you ever thought about that? You wash your hands and that's great. It's necessary. But have we all overlooked the fact that BEFORE our hands are washed, we put our hands all over our pants and belts and what not? There's nothing we can do about it though. In the privacy of your own bathroom, sure, you can stand up and hobble over to the sink and wash up before hitching up your shit. But not in public. And let's face it, public restrooms aren't the cleanest places in the world. So you have to hitch up your drawers and then go wash your hands, carrying with you the germs on your crotch the whole rest of the day. It was an epiphany I had recently. A horrifying, disgusting epiphany.
I've seen four movies, miraculously, in the last two months which I will briefly discuss.
30 DAYS OF NIGHT: Based on a graffic novel (as half the films out these days are) where vampires decide to ransack a little Alaskan town where the sun sets for 30 days at a time. Brilliant concept. The first graphic novel is the only one I've read and the film follows it pretty faithfully. It was surprisingly gorey for a theatrical release. Some dude gets his head hacked off with an axe in full view. I did appreciate that the film didn't try to change the ending and make it an "up" as another film I've recently seen did. Good flick for horror fans or anyone who liked the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead as both films have similar styles and sensibilities. Almost more action than horror.
AMERICAN GANGSTER: This movie was pretty good. That's all. PRETTY good. Golden Globe nomination worthy? I didn't think so. It tells the "true" story of Frank Lucas who single-handedly took over the heroin racket in New York. Denzel Washington plays the character with a decent mix of sophistication and insanity. The trouble is that the real Frank Lucas was nearly illiterate and was basically just a violent thug who made the right connections. Russell Crowe was better as the NJ cop who eventually brings Lucas down, though it pains me to like Russell Crowe in movies knowing what a tool he is. This makes two in a row (also including 3:10 to Yuma) It was too long for the story it had to tell and the ending was incredibly rushed. Better not win Best Picture.
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: This movie definitely SHOULD win best picture. Not just because I love the Coen Brothers, but because it's a different type of movie and in some places is as intense as any horror movie. The performances are top notch and much needs to be said of how well the characters develop through very little dialogue. If Javier Bardem doesn't win an Oscar for this, I will boycott something. Not sure what, but something. It's a modern western coupled with a chase/heist film wrapped up in existentialism. Josh Brolin will no doubt be overlooked in this film, but he was just as good as Bardem.
I AM LEGEND: Last night I went at midnight to see the most anticipated movie of the year for me. I Am Legend is by far my favorite book ever. This film version marks the third time the book as officially been adapted. The book is a scientific look at vampires. One man is the only person immune to a virus that literally turned the whole world into vampires. He tries to figure out the cause of his immunity while killing all the vampires he could. Only the first adaptation, 1964's The Last Man On Earth, actually depicts the creatures as vampires and follows the book very faithfully. The second one, 1971's The Omega Man, turns the vampires into weird nuclear-age mutants who are just light sensitive and insane. They're still sentient creatures, but they've decided that technology is bad. This new version takes from both. They're not specifically "vampires" but pretty much they are. Will Smith does a good job as the last man on Earth, acting mostly opposite a dog, mannequins, and CGI monsters. The one thing none of the versions have gotten right is the bleak and wonderful ending of the book. The book ends with Neville, the last uninfected human on Earth, realizing that he is a relic from another time. The boogeyman for a new population. The vampires fear him because he kills them and he finally has to face the fact that his being alive isn't helping anyone in the new society and allows himself to be put to death. Without ruining the ending of the film too much, there's too much hope at the end. Even though, as with the other two films, there isn't a happy ending, there is an upbeat ending. Still a good movie worth seeing and still incredibly well made and effective, but I just kinda wish it was a little more apocalyptic. I guess people don't want hopelessness around the Christmas season.
Enough of this.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
So, yeah yeah, I know it's been a long-ass time since my last post. I hadn't been feeling the blog. It happens. But here I am with a few different topics that I could choose to focus upon in this, my return blog. What am I going to do? Talk about all of them! I was way too excited just then.
New Jersey was great. Yes, believe it or not, it's been that long since I blogged last. I had some preconcieved notions about what it would be like and for the most part the negative notions were squashed. I was very impressed with the transit system in NJ. Trains are such a good idea and they work. The conductors (or, let's be honest, ticket takers) wear the little hats, which kinda made me laugh. I kept expecting one of them to blow a whistle and tell me a story about Thomas the Tank Engine. The only complaint I have about NJ Transit is that it's very expensive, or seemed to be. I did only travel to and from the airport and to and from NYC.
That's right, I went to New York City while I was there. How could I not? I'd never been. It was good to go and I enjoyed myself while I was there. That being said, I didn't really see what all the hype was about. Yeah, it's very cool with the big buildings and stuff, but there's too many damn people. I think the only way I'd want to live there is if I had an assload of money and could afford to live in The Dakota or somewhere near there.
I guess I'd rather live in New Jersey if given the choice. Not New Brunswick, which Lincoln and Kristen live. NB is an industrial suburb and is kinda scary when you're walking around. I blame it on being too close to Newark. I just passed through Newark on the train and I think that's all the Newark I'm ever gonna need. No, the bit of NJ where I want to live is the coast. Specifically Red Bank or Atlantic Highlands. So East-coasty and nice. There were huge estates right close to the water. I actually saw scooners. I thought they were just a bedtime story. Red Bank is like Cherry Creek. The one time on my whole trip I felt like I wouldn't get mugged. So, despite what anyone says, I will always say New Jersey is great.
Back to Colorado. Work has been crazy. Really, the only crazy time in a ballet company's season is Nutcracker. I'm a little more than halfway done with the shows, but there are still 9. I'm gonna get some sweet days off from Christmas day to Jan 3 which I'll use to do FUCK ALL, but that means I have to work up to and including Christmas Eve. That's not so great, but when I started the job I was warned that "we work while others play" which made it seem like I'd be working every weekend and have no time to do anything else. Well I am working every weekend, but it's not like I don't have time to do other crap. So, if you want to see me, you should probably come to the Ballet.
Here's a few random-weird thoughts that I've had recently: One is laundry and one is bathroom. I know you're intrigued. Laundry first. I've been doing laundry for a really long time and there's something that's always bugged me about it. How come every shirt you put in the laundry turns inside out before the process is done? This mostly involves button-up shirts but it always seems to happen. I've tried to figure out what causes it. At first I thought it was just the motion of the cycles that causes it, so I tried turning every shirt inside out before I put them in. You know what happened? Nothing. They stayed inside out. It doesn't make any sense. It's like their natural state of being is inside out and we're persecuting the shirts into remaining "outside out" as Todd calls it. One week, the left sleeve on every one of my shirts turned inside out. It's like the bermuda triangle in the tumble dryer or something.
Now the bathroom. This one is a little gross, so bear with me. You're in the bathroom, public or otherwise, and sitting on the toilet doing yuh bih-ness. When you're done you get up, hitch up your pants and go wash your hands. Or at least you should. But have you ever thought about that? You wash your hands and that's great. It's necessary. But have we all overlooked the fact that BEFORE our hands are washed, we put our hands all over our pants and belts and what not? There's nothing we can do about it though. In the privacy of your own bathroom, sure, you can stand up and hobble over to the sink and wash up before hitching up your shit. But not in public. And let's face it, public restrooms aren't the cleanest places in the world. So you have to hitch up your drawers and then go wash your hands, carrying with you the germs on your crotch the whole rest of the day. It was an epiphany I had recently. A horrifying, disgusting epiphany.
I've seen four movies, miraculously, in the last two months which I will briefly discuss.
30 DAYS OF NIGHT: Based on a graffic novel (as half the films out these days are) where vampires decide to ransack a little Alaskan town where the sun sets for 30 days at a time. Brilliant concept. The first graphic novel is the only one I've read and the film follows it pretty faithfully. It was surprisingly gorey for a theatrical release. Some dude gets his head hacked off with an axe in full view. I did appreciate that the film didn't try to change the ending and make it an "up" as another film I've recently seen did. Good flick for horror fans or anyone who liked the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead as both films have similar styles and sensibilities. Almost more action than horror.
AMERICAN GANGSTER: This movie was pretty good. That's all. PRETTY good. Golden Globe nomination worthy? I didn't think so. It tells the "true" story of Frank Lucas who single-handedly took over the heroin racket in New York. Denzel Washington plays the character with a decent mix of sophistication and insanity. The trouble is that the real Frank Lucas was nearly illiterate and was basically just a violent thug who made the right connections. Russell Crowe was better as the NJ cop who eventually brings Lucas down, though it pains me to like Russell Crowe in movies knowing what a tool he is. This makes two in a row (also including 3:10 to Yuma) It was too long for the story it had to tell and the ending was incredibly rushed. Better not win Best Picture.
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: This movie definitely SHOULD win best picture. Not just because I love the Coen Brothers, but because it's a different type of movie and in some places is as intense as any horror movie. The performances are top notch and much needs to be said of how well the characters develop through very little dialogue. If Javier Bardem doesn't win an Oscar for this, I will boycott something. Not sure what, but something. It's a modern western coupled with a chase/heist film wrapped up in existentialism. Josh Brolin will no doubt be overlooked in this film, but he was just as good as Bardem.
I AM LEGEND: Last night I went at midnight to see the most anticipated movie of the year for me. I Am Legend is by far my favorite book ever. This film version marks the third time the book as officially been adapted. The book is a scientific look at vampires. One man is the only person immune to a virus that literally turned the whole world into vampires. He tries to figure out the cause of his immunity while killing all the vampires he could. Only the first adaptation, 1964's The Last Man On Earth, actually depicts the creatures as vampires and follows the book very faithfully. The second one, 1971's The Omega Man, turns the vampires into weird nuclear-age mutants who are just light sensitive and insane. They're still sentient creatures, but they've decided that technology is bad. This new version takes from both. They're not specifically "vampires" but pretty much they are. Will Smith does a good job as the last man on Earth, acting mostly opposite a dog, mannequins, and CGI monsters. The one thing none of the versions have gotten right is the bleak and wonderful ending of the book. The book ends with Neville, the last uninfected human on Earth, realizing that he is a relic from another time. The boogeyman for a new population. The vampires fear him because he kills them and he finally has to face the fact that his being alive isn't helping anyone in the new society and allows himself to be put to death. Without ruining the ending of the film too much, there's too much hope at the end. Even though, as with the other two films, there isn't a happy ending, there is an upbeat ending. Still a good movie worth seeing and still incredibly well made and effective, but I just kinda wish it was a little more apocalyptic. I guess people don't want hopelessness around the Christmas season.
Enough of this.
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Death Bed or: The reason film was invented
'Ello, you lucky people!
People see movies for one of two reasons: A) They think it looks good or 2) They think it looks fucked up. Granted, the former is more common, the latter does play heavily into choice of viewing and usually people who see movies based on their fucked-upitude are far less disappointed. You go to see a movie thinking it'll be good, and it isn't, you're going to be upset, surely. But, if you go to see a move thinking it'll be fucked up, it almost always is. Do you think anyone went to see "Snakes on a Plane" because they thought it'd be good cinema? No, of course not. They went because it looked fucked up, and it was. I was not in the least disappointed with that horrible film, and it certainly was atrocious, because it lived up to my expectations of crap.
With that in mind, this blog will focus on one of the most fucked up (and horribly stupid) movies I've ever seen: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. I had the extreme good fortune to watch this movie last night. I had been calling it Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People but the actual screen title ends at "Eats." I'm not sure if I like the real title as much. At any rate, the title is what drew me to it. I like titles of this nature, ones that let you know exactly what you're going to get. Texas Chain Saw Massacre is another good example. With a title like Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, you're left with a mental image and you can only hope the actual film can live up to it. This bed of death indeed eats; already I'm satisfied.
The DVD for DB:TBTE has but one "Special" feature (using the term very very loosely) and that is a video taped introduction by the film's director, George Barry, talking mostly about how this movie came to be on DVD. It was filmed mostly in 1972, but, he explained, the final print wasn't struck until 1977. He couldn't get a distribution deal for the film at all and was forced to show it on the small festival circuit and "in people's basements." Somehow, a bootleg made its way overseas where it gained the admiration of French filmmaker Jean Rollin who is known primarily for schlocky gorefests, such as 1978's The Grapes of Death (where pesticides are used on a vinyard and causes the resulting wine to turn people into zombies), hardcore pornography like 1976's Douces Penetrations (guess what that title is in English), and sometimes both, like Seduction of Amy from 1975 (where an evil count lures beautiful women to his castle, there to imprison them in his torture chamber for his amusement). Barry wears Rollin's endorsement like a badge of honor, which seemed odd to me until I saw the film. He also spoke about how he was so surprised that no one wanted to distribute the movie which also struck me as funny. Had he not seen his own movie? Eventually, the film was picked up for DVD release in 2003, a full 31 years since principle photography began. The least articulate director I've ever heard speak, Barry did give me a good context for film I was now salivating with anticipation to watch.
The film opens with chomping sounds on a black screen followed by a very 70's couple driving up to an old, deserted manor, somewhere in the world. The word "Breakfast" then appears on the screen. The couple is trying to find a secluded place to eat a picnic and bone. Lucky for them, there's this weird, creepy house. The demonic bed, which apparently also has dominion over the door locks of this house, lures them down into an unfinished basement that has a fireplace, a single painting on the wall, and the title character, a massive black and purple four-poster bed. The couple sets down on the bed and takes out their food: 2 apples, a bottle of wine, and a bucket of chicken. Then they begin making out flatly. It's pretty clear the actress was sort of repulsed by this man and couldn't even pretend otherwise. While they obliviously kiss, a yellow froth begins to bubble from the bed and the food items are sucked into it. This begins the near-endless shots in the film of whatever the bed eats being dissolved in a vat of fizzy, yellow liquid. We hear munching sounds, but the bed has no teeth or even mandibles, so what exactly is that supposed to be? At any rate, the discarded cores, bottle, and bucket are regurgitated back to the surface, seemingly unharmed. The couple decides to eat, but the food's gone. Oh well, time to bone. The skeezy man undoes the her shirt and begins very mechanically kneeding this poor girl's left breast as they kiss further. Of course, this is only temporary as they soon begin to disappear into the Death Bed itself. Screams are heard and blood pours, though from what wound? They're being dissolved. Once the couple is satisfactorily devoured, the bed makes itself (you read that right) and laughs. This is the opening of the film.
And it just gets better from there, though I won't go into detail on the rest. We have a narrator, who is a ghost that lives in/behind the painting and talks about the hated demon-bed as it came to be, which is just a masterpiece. More people come to the house to be sucked into the Mountain Dew-y innards of the bed as the narrator attempts to give more credence to the whole concept than it really deserves. At one point, we see a bottle of Pepto Bismol being emptied within the bed's digestive fluids. Astonishing. The film stars no one who ever acted in films again, with the notable exception of William Russ, who is best known as the dad on Boy Meets World. That's right, Cory's father gets his hands eaten off in Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Anything interesting that may be introduced in this film is undercut by the wooden acting and absurd premise. George Barry's only film looks like any other film by someone who has a general knowledge of the craft but not skill to make it work. Little real gore, but lots and lots of naked women (every woman in the film is naked at one point or another) which speaks to Jean Rollin's interest in it.
So why, you ask, if this movie is as bad as I say, do I recommend everyone watch it? The answer is simple. It's fucked up. Bad movies come and go, but movies that are THIS bad must be seen by everyone. A demon-possessed bed is about as odd a scenario as has ever been thought up, but it could concievably be done with a modicum of taste or intrigue, but this is just fucked up. It's probably the most fucked up movie I've ever seen and this is why it will always hold a place in my heart. I think they need to make Death Bed into a trilogy. Part two being "Rape Stove" and part three being "Armed Robbery Dishwasher." Incidently, my mother watched this film with me and laughed harder than she's laughed in years. Uncontrollably in some places. So, it definitely gets the Tina Anderson stamp of approval. And, really what more do you need?
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
People see movies for one of two reasons: A) They think it looks good or 2) They think it looks fucked up. Granted, the former is more common, the latter does play heavily into choice of viewing and usually people who see movies based on their fucked-upitude are far less disappointed. You go to see a movie thinking it'll be good, and it isn't, you're going to be upset, surely. But, if you go to see a move thinking it'll be fucked up, it almost always is. Do you think anyone went to see "Snakes on a Plane" because they thought it'd be good cinema? No, of course not. They went because it looked fucked up, and it was. I was not in the least disappointed with that horrible film, and it certainly was atrocious, because it lived up to my expectations of crap.
With that in mind, this blog will focus on one of the most fucked up (and horribly stupid) movies I've ever seen: Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. I had the extreme good fortune to watch this movie last night. I had been calling it Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People but the actual screen title ends at "Eats." I'm not sure if I like the real title as much. At any rate, the title is what drew me to it. I like titles of this nature, ones that let you know exactly what you're going to get. Texas Chain Saw Massacre is another good example. With a title like Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, you're left with a mental image and you can only hope the actual film can live up to it. This bed of death indeed eats; already I'm satisfied.
The DVD for DB:TBTE has but one "Special" feature (using the term very very loosely) and that is a video taped introduction by the film's director, George Barry, talking mostly about how this movie came to be on DVD. It was filmed mostly in 1972, but, he explained, the final print wasn't struck until 1977. He couldn't get a distribution deal for the film at all and was forced to show it on the small festival circuit and "in people's basements." Somehow, a bootleg made its way overseas where it gained the admiration of French filmmaker Jean Rollin who is known primarily for schlocky gorefests, such as 1978's The Grapes of Death (where pesticides are used on a vinyard and causes the resulting wine to turn people into zombies), hardcore pornography like 1976's Douces Penetrations (guess what that title is in English), and sometimes both, like Seduction of Amy from 1975 (where an evil count lures beautiful women to his castle, there to imprison them in his torture chamber for his amusement). Barry wears Rollin's endorsement like a badge of honor, which seemed odd to me until I saw the film. He also spoke about how he was so surprised that no one wanted to distribute the movie which also struck me as funny. Had he not seen his own movie? Eventually, the film was picked up for DVD release in 2003, a full 31 years since principle photography began. The least articulate director I've ever heard speak, Barry did give me a good context for film I was now salivating with anticipation to watch.
The film opens with chomping sounds on a black screen followed by a very 70's couple driving up to an old, deserted manor, somewhere in the world. The word "Breakfast" then appears on the screen. The couple is trying to find a secluded place to eat a picnic and bone. Lucky for them, there's this weird, creepy house. The demonic bed, which apparently also has dominion over the door locks of this house, lures them down into an unfinished basement that has a fireplace, a single painting on the wall, and the title character, a massive black and purple four-poster bed. The couple sets down on the bed and takes out their food: 2 apples, a bottle of wine, and a bucket of chicken. Then they begin making out flatly. It's pretty clear the actress was sort of repulsed by this man and couldn't even pretend otherwise. While they obliviously kiss, a yellow froth begins to bubble from the bed and the food items are sucked into it. This begins the near-endless shots in the film of whatever the bed eats being dissolved in a vat of fizzy, yellow liquid. We hear munching sounds, but the bed has no teeth or even mandibles, so what exactly is that supposed to be? At any rate, the discarded cores, bottle, and bucket are regurgitated back to the surface, seemingly unharmed. The couple decides to eat, but the food's gone. Oh well, time to bone. The skeezy man undoes the her shirt and begins very mechanically kneeding this poor girl's left breast as they kiss further. Of course, this is only temporary as they soon begin to disappear into the Death Bed itself. Screams are heard and blood pours, though from what wound? They're being dissolved. Once the couple is satisfactorily devoured, the bed makes itself (you read that right) and laughs. This is the opening of the film.
And it just gets better from there, though I won't go into detail on the rest. We have a narrator, who is a ghost that lives in/behind the painting and talks about the hated demon-bed as it came to be, which is just a masterpiece. More people come to the house to be sucked into the Mountain Dew-y innards of the bed as the narrator attempts to give more credence to the whole concept than it really deserves. At one point, we see a bottle of Pepto Bismol being emptied within the bed's digestive fluids. Astonishing. The film stars no one who ever acted in films again, with the notable exception of William Russ, who is best known as the dad on Boy Meets World. That's right, Cory's father gets his hands eaten off in Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Anything interesting that may be introduced in this film is undercut by the wooden acting and absurd premise. George Barry's only film looks like any other film by someone who has a general knowledge of the craft but not skill to make it work. Little real gore, but lots and lots of naked women (every woman in the film is naked at one point or another) which speaks to Jean Rollin's interest in it.
So why, you ask, if this movie is as bad as I say, do I recommend everyone watch it? The answer is simple. It's fucked up. Bad movies come and go, but movies that are THIS bad must be seen by everyone. A demon-possessed bed is about as odd a scenario as has ever been thought up, but it could concievably be done with a modicum of taste or intrigue, but this is just fucked up. It's probably the most fucked up movie I've ever seen and this is why it will always hold a place in my heart. I think they need to make Death Bed into a trilogy. Part two being "Rape Stove" and part three being "Armed Robbery Dishwasher." Incidently, my mother watched this film with me and laughed harder than she's laughed in years. Uncontrollably in some places. So, it definitely gets the Tina Anderson stamp of approval. And, really what more do you need?
Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
