Chuck Norris: Roundhouse Kicks & Cowboy Hats

'Ello, you lucky people!

I'm always on the lookout for movies that look/sound/are fucked up. The more outrageous or ridiculous the plot, the more I want to watch it (Death Bed, anyone?). So, when I heard about my most recent foray into fucked-up cinema, I was justifiably giddy. The tagline reads: "The Master of Martial Arts vs A Bionic Killing Machine." Bruce Lee fights The Terminator? No. Jet Li takes on RoboCop? I wish. Jackie Chan going 12 rounds with Short Circuit's Number Johnny 5? Sadly, this is also not the case. What we get is Chuck Norris battling a poor-man's Michael Myers in Silent Rage, a dumb but surprisingly entertaining B minus movie from 1982. This is gonna be awesome! Freddy vs. Jason? Fuck that, Chuck vs. Michael-Light!

The film is really three movies rolled into one. You get a heaping helping of slasher-type movies (Halloween, Friday the 13th, My Bloody Valentine, etc.) a smidge Re-Animator and finish it off with a healthy dose of whatever the hell crappy action movies Chuck Norris made where he fights people for no reason. I'm not going to lie, I've never in my life watched a Chuck Norris vehicle and if not for the premise of Silent Rage, would continue to be of that persuasion. Silent Rage is without doubt the oddest marriage of film genres I've ever seen since Hostel (teen sex comedy becomes torture porn).

The film begins with John Kirby, the ugliest man alive, goes crazy and kills his land lady and some other random dude with an ax. The police arrive led by cowboy hat adorned Sheriff Dan Stevens, played by none other than our old friend Chuck. The sheriff disarms Kirby and arrests him only for the madman to break loose of his cuffs and kick the door of the police car off its hinges (made of cardboard apparently). Despite Dan's and Kirby's psychiatrist's pleas not to shoot Kirby dead, the other officers shoot Kirby dead. That was a bad movie, at least it was short. Au contraire, mon frer. This Goddamn epic battle's just begun. The psychiatrist takes the body of the ax murderer to the hospital where he and two of his colleagues have fashioned a Frankensteinian laboratory in the boiler room. Turns out, the three of them have developed a serum that can bring once-living organisms back to life. Surely the best person to test it on is the violent psychopath. Experiments ensue.

Meanwhile, Sheriff Dan cannot be bothered with plot. He's too busy killing time before the story catches up to him. He has some flat dialog with his deputy (Flounder from Animal House...no joke) and gets it on with the psychiatrist's sister, who also once was his true love. Or something. Anyway, they bone. He also has to deal with a rogue biker gang who tries to take over the town. Or more accurately, some dive bar off of Route 94. In the most gratuitous scene in the film, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks his way through a bevy of drunks and large-breasted, battle-ax women. I'm sure it was stated in Mr. Norris' contract that he has to get into a huge fight and kick the shit out of at least 15 people by the mid-point in the film. Mission accomplished. After the fight, the Sheriff has sex with the shrink's sister again and convinces her to take a trip somewhere. Everyone's so happy...

Meanwhile, in the lab, the experiments on Frog-Face are going better than expected. He still hasn't regained consciousness, but all his bullet wounds have healed miraculously and, (get this!) when they cut him with scalpels, he heals almost instantly. Fantastic! Well, you can guess what happens after this. The end credits roll. NO! I fooled you again! Kirby gets up and puts on a Michael Myers-esque jumpsuit and heads out to do some damage. He kills the psychiatrist and his wife and is about to kill the sister before Chuck shows up and scares him away. Kirby returns to the hospital to kill his remaining two creators and again goes for the sister. Oh yeah, she's in the hospital too, though for reasons unknown to me. He chases her up and down stairs until it looks like she's sure to die. But then the father of modern ass-kicking enters just in time to shoot him and send him crashing out the 5th story window. I'm not even going to pretend anymore. Dude ain't dead.

This begins what I like to call, "The Cat & Mouse Section." Chuck and the chick, go to inspect the body and of course it wakes up and tries to strangle them again. The sister runs him over with Chuck's Ford Bronco and they drive away. But of course, Kirby clings to the back and crawls through the window. So, they dive out of the car and it goes crashing down a series of small hills until crashing and catching on fire. A fiery Kirby escapes and jumps into a conveniently located small body of water. Finally, the climax which will at last pay off the tagline of Martial Arts Master vs Bionic Killing Machine! Yeah... that consists mostly of Chuck Norris kicking, flipping, and basically knocking Kirby over several times before the final kick sends the fiend tumbling down an incredibly deep well. Chuck and his true love are safe and they walk away triumphantly. The camera pans down the well just in time to see Kirby again rise from a watery grave.

My question: Chuck Norris has just seen this guy get shot, fall out a window, get hit by a car, crash a car, and explode without dying; Did he really think a few kicks were gonna do the trick? Of course. It's Chuck Norris, what was I thinking? I hear there's no postal service, it's just Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking mail to the proper address. So that was my first excursion into the world of Carlos Ray Norris (dude's real name. Not even kidding.) and I was pleasantly not at all surprised at how cheesy and lame it was. It wasn't near as fucked-up as I'd hoped but it was silly enough to keep me watching. Here's the reasons to watch: Chuck Norris (go figure), plenty of early-80s tits, a really ugly bad guy, Chuck Norris. He counts for two.

Talk at ya later and keep circulating the tapes.